My PB + J

soul searching

Over the past year I have attempted to find the real me in me. I thought I always knew who I was but once I became a mommy I started learning things about myself I never knew. I always knew how strong I was but I never knew how strong I really was. There are days where I feel like Superwoman and other days where I crumble. Y’all know I have aired my life out on this blog and I am 100% honest all of the time. I do not sugar coat my life to make you think I am someone I am not. I have confessed my depression and my trials I have gone though prior to becoming a mom and after. There are days where I feel like I can stop taking my two little pills at night but then five days go by and I realize I am not as strong as I thought. I want to be “normal” but what is normal? I do not live in a facade where the crap that fills my dvr, like the real housewives, consumes my life as my ideal lifestyle. I do get down on my neighborhood and dream of the day where I can move out of here, but why? I became a homeowner at the age of twenty-five in a community where people only dream of living so they can send their children through our school system, so they can live peacefully in the country outside of the city. I do not have six rooms, I have three. I do not have 3,000+ square feet, I have 1500. I dream for the day when I can be my own boss. I dream of the day when I can stay at home and do not have to leave my sprout half way through the day to go serve the public. I dream of the day where I will be comfortable enough in my own skin to not get upset over menial shit. The one thing I have realized over the past few months is that I do not want to get older and sit back a regret all of the beautiful things in life. I have found one simple thing that my life was lacking, and I thank you, friend.

I often look to poetry and spoken word to get me through a rough patch. It’s like it brings me back down to that grounded state of who I am and reminds me of the person I always wanted to be. Tonight I read the following poem by Coleridge, I had not read this since my Old World Lit class in ’06 and tonight it had a different meaning. I hope you can take something from it.

Youth and Age
by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

VERSE, a breeze ‘mid blossoms straying,  
Where Hope clung feeding, like a bee—  
Both were mine! Life went a-maying  
With Nature, Hope, and Poesy,  
                            When I was young!          5
When I was young?—Ah, woful When!  
Ah! for the change ‘twixt Now and Then!  
This breathing house not built with hands,  
This body that does me grievous wrong,  
O’er aery cliffs and glittering sands,   10
How lightly then it flash’d along—  
Like those trim skiffs, unknown of yore,  
On winding lakes and rivers wide,  
That ask no aid of sail or oar,  
That fear no spite of wind or tide!   15
Naught cared this body for wind or weather  
When Youth and I lived in ‘t together.  
 
Flowers are lovely! Love is flower-like;  
Friendship is a sheltering tree;  
O the joys, that came down shower-like,   20
Of Friendship, Love, and Liberty,  
                            Ere I was old!  
Ere I was old? Ah, woful Ere,  
Which tells me, Youth ‘s no longer here!  
O Youth! for years so many and sweet,   25
‘Tis known that thou and I were one;  
I’ll think it but a fond conceit—  
It cannot be that thou art gone!  
Thy vesper-bell hath not yet toll’d—  
And thou wert aye a masker bold!   30
What strange disguise hast now put on,  
To make believe that thou art gone?  
I see these locks in silvery slips,  
This drooping gait, this alter’d size:  
But springtide blossoms on thy lips,   35
And tears take sunshine from thine eyes!  
Life is but thought: so think I will  
That Youth and I are housemates still.  
 
Dewdrops are the gems of morning,  
But the tears of mournful eve!   40
Where no hope is, life ‘s a warning  
That only serves to make us grieve,  
                            When we are old!  
That only serves to make us grieve  
With oft and tedious taking-leave,   45
Like some poor nigh-related guest  
That may not rudely be dismist.  
Yet hath outstay’d his welcome while,  
And tells the jest without the smile.  

a quickie!

Just a quick Thursday post! Last Saturday night after I had worked 12 hours and Jim coached basketball we made a quick trip up to downtown Disney where we met his cousin. His cousin, Johnny, was visiting from New Jersey with his girlfriend so we had to see them since it has been almost four years (well at least for me, Jim went back to NJ when his grandma passed away). I could not believe how grown-up he was! God! I sound old now. They plan on moving out here soon so it will be nice for Jim to have some family on the West coast. 
While at Disney we ate at Tortilla Joe’s, which is one of my fav’s because of their agave margarita, it seriously is the best margie I have ever consumed. I totally needed it to since I have been fighting a cold, the tequila and Grand Marnier did not help my aching throat but it sure gave me a quick buzz! After Payton was done eating her dinner we headed outside which was perfect timing because the fireworks had just started. She would run after every balloon she saw so of course being the giving mommy I walked through the crazy crowds to find the balloon man only to purchase the light-up Mickey balloon for $12. Yeah, I am nuts! The cool thing is it’s still inflated and lights up, I guess the entertainment was worth the $12. 
Payton is getting to be so much fun, a lot work, but a lot of fun at the same time! 
There are not that many pics, because both of my camera batteries were dead. I had to share the first one, she is so damn cute. Glad she is my offspring. HA! Plus, I want her outfit. 
Have a great rest of the week! 

cocoon

One year ago today I lost my best friend. I would love to say that I have gotten stronger with each passing day but that would be a lie. As I drove home from work tonight I gazed into the orange glowing clock on my dash and replayed last year as I drove home from saying good-bye. I had my one-month-old baby in the backseat, I had the soft tune of Jack Johnson’s “Cocoon” playing as the snow lightly fell from the midnight sky. I cried, I laughed and my heart broke. I knew that was the last time I would ever see her, the last time I would kiss her frail hand and the last time I could tell her I loved her more than life itself. I told her to watch over her newly born angel and as I told her I loved her, she squeezed my hand and muttered a hum. This past year has been the most difficult in terms of grieving, I  feel as though I grieve everyday, as I wake-up I look into my hallway directly outside of my room and look at our last complete family photo, I say good morning to her and as I go to bed, I look at her smile and wish I could see it once again. There were days when I went to pick-up the phone to call her and nights where I would wake screaming. On days while having lunch I would imagine our many lunch dates when we would share a chicken salad sandwich or how you loved a small glass of coke with your turkey sandwich. There are days when I try to forget but I cannot, I cry almost everyday, not because I am sad, but because I simply miss you. I remember telling you that I need you to visit me, to know that you are okay and to put me at ease. Many nights throughout the year I would stare into my stark black room waiting for some sign, but nothing. It wasn’t until I went home for Christmas, when I slept in your room, many times before I could not enter without losing it. Looking at your furniture, your pictures, your ashes, it was never easy, until then. The day after Christmas I slept in until 11:30, I was warm, comforted and felt you. Laying in your bed it was like you were wrapped around me like a cocoon telling me it was okay to move on, that you’re okay, that everything is and will be okay. After the New Year passed I found myself being able to finally speak of you, your passing, my complete and udder love for you and how I dealt with the depression that had once engulfed my soul. You freed me from my sadness. I know each day will have it’s challenges, and I still miss you, I will always miss you. I cannot thank you enough for all that you instilled in me and I promise to always speak of you to keep your family legacy alive. 

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.

I love you Grandma. 
xoxo,
Missy

a day at the bay

We are so lucky to live in California, and even more thankful that we live in San Diego. Our weather is almost always perfect but 80 degrees in January is insane! I have to admit that I am not in the right mindset for this temp and would love to be twenty pounds lighter to rock a bikini but hey, a day at the bay will do! I met my dear friend Jinger down at her house and we took a two-hour walk around the SD harbor into Shelter Island today. Very rarely do we ever take advantage of our beautiful city and have realized that so many pay thousands to vacation here, so our goal is to take advantage of what we have to offer. Payton was an angel today! I mean an angel! On our walk she put up with us chit chatting and just babbled about her surroundings; pointing out every dajjie (doggy)  and every airplane that flew overhead. The plus was that she had not napped and we only had a small amount of snacks and juice that she gobbled up within the first fifteen minutes. Maybe she was so well behaved because today is her 13-month birthday. Craziness I tell you. This is my favorite age thus far, everyday she gets more beautiful and more intuitive. I love my mini me! Thank you Jinger for an amazing afternoon!! 

My mini me. 

Too cute for words. I love this picture so much! 

I seriously think she needs to be a model. I am not just saying that since she is my child, but strangers tell me this. I believe she is ready for the Hampton’s. Thank you Janelle for the cutest Ralph Lauren dress.  

Her jelly’s she got today, thank you Old Navy for your killer steal! 
My early mornings, late evenings and every free moment these days have been spent researching and purchasing items for my Etsy store. My Mother and I have been going back and forth about listing her gorgeously knitted blankets for a while now.  She has been knitting blankets for our family, my expecting friends and just for her pure enjoyment. So why not sell them? Our store will also include handmade hair accessories, hair bow holders and pettiskirts by me! 
So my lovely readers, what do you typically purchase from Etsy?
If any of  y’all know of someone who designs super cute logo’s please let me know. We are looking to have this designed as well as business cards and tags for our skirts/blankets. 
Have a great weekend!

http://www.mypbandj.com/2011/01/476/