My PB + J

{a cleft journey} Ultrasound

Yesterday afternoon my Mom and I drove from the San Bernardino mountains all the way down to San Diego to the hospital where we met with Dr. Paquiadio for an ultrasound. This ultrasound was a follow-up from when I had my amnio a few weeks back as she wanted to take a closer look at Brayden’s facial structure. During the visit the very first look she took of the face showed a small tear on the right side of the face. It was very visible even to me that the tear comes down from his right nostril to the lip. The doctor said that we have it a little better than many she has seen since as of right now the tear is measuring around 2 mm wide. She tried capturing a few additional images and when she got to the top view of the palate she could also see a tear in the hard palate that was also measuring around 2 mm wide. The tear in the palate is also on the right side so it further validates that this was mother natures mess up. Earlier today I received a phone call from Amy in genetics telling me she had even better news that my amnio results came back negative for any genetic diseases, etc. She also stated that they are still running a test on chromosome #22, which is routine for cleft babies to further rule out if the cleft is genetic or not. We should have this result in a few days. Once Amy receives that result she will be making an appointment with the cleft doctor who is down in Otay Mesa for us to meet and go over all of the preparatory details when he arrives. I have a few additional routine appointments this month along with the much anticipated glucose test in two weeks. In one month I meet with Dr. Paquiadio again for another ultrasound. We will meet a few more times before he comes just to keep checking on Brayden as he gains more fat. 
After yesterday’s appointment I feel a lot better and when I saw my baby I didn’t have any resentment towards him or myself. I know this all might change as we get closer to his arrival date but for now I am just going to take in being pregnant and all that it has to offer. I also have a better relationship with Dr. Paquiadio and Dr. Ching, they have been super understanding and reassuring so I pray that one of them is scheduled on November 1st, granted I make it to the 39th week. Because I really cannot picture delivering this little man with another doctor. 
The ultrasound pictures below are kind of confusing. For whatever reason the 4D images came out really fuzzy so I attempted darkening them a bit so you can see what in the heck I am talking about. You can probably click on them to enlarge to see in better detail. 
When she took this image I saw Payton, I actually giggled to myself because they really look a lot alike. 😀
This one was just for fun. The doctor thought it was really cute that he was giving us his pointer finger, the pose actually reminds me a lot of Jim’s signature dance move or even like he’s bobbing his head. . . 
There was another image I chose not to scan, but as Dr. Paquiadio was looking she stopped and the way the image froze he looked like a pterodactyl. I laughed at loud and said, wow! he looks like a pterodactyl and she said she was thinking the same thing. I only cracked up because ever since Payton was a newborn we have said her scream has sounded like a pterodactyl. ha! Oh, the stories I am already forming in my head. 
Until the next update my friends. . . 

amnio, check!

This morning we went down to the hospital for our scheduled amnio. We waited about 45 minutes before they ever called my name which is frustrating enough when you have a full bladder. Once they pulled us back they did another ultrasound, just like they did last week to reevaluate his little body. Everything looked great, his face is still down and in position so they had to do some digging to get some good pictures of his face. After the ultrasound the doctor came in and she said she wanted to do a 3D because it now looks like his palate is involved. insert sad face. Nobody really seemed to know how to use their new ultrasound machine so the doctor ordered that we make an appointment to come up to her office to do a 4D to see his face. At that time if they cannot get a good read on the lip they will send us to UCSD for further ultrasounds. Today it looked like his tear comes from the lip all the way past the nose, but his legs and hands kept flying around not to mention the placenta that he was lying on was in the way. After three hours of pressing on my flabby tummy they prepped me with iodine, I covered my sweaty face with my velour tracksuit (barely breathing, I tell you!) they said to keep breathing evenly to make sure the baby didn’t hit the needle and then it was in. Let me tell you, that having a needle inserted through your stomach into to your abdomen is the most odd feeling ever! It felt like forever as they collected three vials of amniotic fluid but then they pulled the needle out, which burned like a mother and we were done. My stomach instantly felt like I was having severe menstrual cramps and as if heartburn was traveling from my naval to my throat. Needless to say, it’s over and now I am spending the day in bed. We will have preliminary results in two days and a full report in 10-14 days. Fingers crossed for nothing else to pop up!
I am going to keep doing these posts to help me write through it. I cannot thank you all enough for your comments. While it is hard to put yourself in my position or any mother’s who has to go through this, at the end of the day is truly just is a cosmetic surgery. There will be bad days especially if his palate is involved, but as many of you have said, he will still be my special baby. 
a quick glimpse from today’s u/s. His hand is always resting on his head. He must always hear his sister and he is thinking, “Oy Vey”.

the fear of the unknown.

I am only writing this post to help me get my thoughts down, to help me settle my fears, anxiety and tears of what the unknown will soon bring to my future. I, or we, will soon have a baby boy that is different. To even type this word swells my eyes with tears that are overflowing and overflowing to where my head is about to burst. I have asked myself a million times what I did wrong, or what I could have done differently but sadly there isn’t an answer. Nobody has an answer, except for God and his plan for me and my unborn child. I am one ordinary woman who believes in God, and has done ordinary things her whole life. He has now done something extraordinary and given me my son. As much as I sit here wanting the news I was given yesterday after my 20-week ultrasound to be a part of a nightmare, I have already woken up and have to face the reality that we will have a son that will be born with a unilateral cleft lip. There will be surgeries upon surgeries, my baby will be taken away from me soon after birth to be assessed by a cleft team and then we will begin our journey as a family with struggles.  As the parent I know I am in more pain than he will ever remember but I have one perfect little angel now and I saw him just as perfect. I sit and picture the moment after they take him from me, will I even want to look at him? Will I enter the same deep depression I did soon after Payton that took me away from everyone and everything? I am mortified, scared and fear the unknown.

We have met with a genetic counselor and our next step is to have an amnio on Tuesday that will help rule out any other possibilities of any genetic disorders. Though, everything else about my baby looks normal the doctors and our newly assigned team of specialists want to ensure that he is okay and that this is just a isolated problem that mother nature simply missed. Some of you might think I am a selfish woman, and to you, please do not comment. Nothing can comfort me in knowing that my baby just isn’t perfect.