Do you ever find yourself pondering why you allow toxic elements into your life? These elements can be anything from friends, coworkers, food, bad habits, etc. I personally question this quite often. I usually talk to myself, not out loud, but think rational thoughts about why I allow myself to get so down about stupid crap. Maybe it’s because I am a female and we nit pick, read further into events/details than we should or just get mad for no reason but to be mad. I have realized now that I am a mother that there are certain people that need to be cut out of my life because they are toxic to my well being. A little over a year ago I struggled with depression and was diagnosed with clinical depression. In order to cope with people and events I was forced to pop pills nightly and on some days I would have to take anxiety medicine on the verge of an overload. When I found out I was preggers I stopped taking the meds even though I later found out that there was no need to do so. Some how, with the hormonal ups and downs pregnancy offers I made it through it all. Once my dear sweet P was born a waterfall or rather, a tornado of emotions took over my life. I would sit on my couch and cry all day. That gray cloud was back and it followed me wherever I went even though I was and am completely in love with my daughter, husband and family. When I went for my post-partum appointment my midwife told me I had to make an appointment to see my therapist, I told her I would but decided to take the self help route. Bad choice. It wasn’t until the first week of April, almost four months after giving birth that I came to the conclusion that I needed help. I went back to my therapist and cried about the same issues as before only this time adding in the traumatic events that occurred during Payton’s birth. I needed help and I sought it, this time diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I felt better talking, and now even with being placed back on my happy drugs, I still get down. You are all probably wondering why I am spilling my beans on my blog but I have always been honest and I know I am not alone. I have come to the conclusion that there are people in my life that are toxic. I am a girl that doesn’t have a ton of friends, I have plenty of acquaintances and I think I prefer this. I am more comfortable with a 1,000 people that I barely know than with a group of ten or less. Maybe I just feel let down. This is a strong statement, but when friends go through the happiest times in their life having support or someone to talk to can make the biggest difference with someones well being. Maybe it also means that with over time, people and priorities change.
Have any of you experienced anything similar?
In order to further my progression away from depression I have to “voice” how I am feeling.
What a brave post. Hang in there! Going through major life changes when you’re depression-prone to being with is tough. I know it doesn’t compare to motherhood…but the end of my relationship and the start of law school was really hard for me (and I didn’t have a little life to care for!). What probably made it harder was that I knew I was leading a privileged life and I felt guilty for needing support.
Oh, and personally, I think everyone should go to therapy…it’s just good to have that space in your life to process things. 🙂
I’m sorry you’ve been going through this. Though not on the same level, I can totally relate to the postpartum emotions right now. I love my husband and baby more than anything in the world, yet I find myself crying all the time lately. It’s overwhelming. You are not alone!
And as far as friends go, I can relate there as well. I moved away from all my childhood friends when I cam to CA, and I never have built any new friendships as close as the ones I used to have when I was young. I love all my friends – I have a lot! but I don’t feel like I have any BEST friends, if that makes sense. I think you said it perfectly when you said you’d rather have hundreds of acquaintances. Sometimes I miss that closeness of a best friend, but honestly, my husband is my best friend. All my girlfriends each in some way fill the needs I have in a friendship, I think. I’m just kind of a loner, I guess.
Anyway, I’m rambling…just know that you aren’t alone. I will be thinking of you as you work through these things in your life!
Melissa, I think it is really brave of you to talk about what is really going on in your life. As someone who deals with anxiety in a horrible way, I know how it helps me to read about others who deal with it and how they cope, and I’m sure some of your readers will benefit from reading your experience.
As for friendships, I know what you are talking about. I often feel like I put so much into a friendship and get so little in return, what is the point in creating new friendships for the same let down?
Good for you for getting rid of the toxicity in your life! It’s something I think everyone needs to do.I hope things get better for you soon!
This was so great & brave of you to post this. I love & admire your honesty
I am pretty sure we are the same person.
I too have suffered with depression since I was 12! I have been on meds all this time & tried to taper off when we wanted to start trying for a baby, but I fell into such a deep black hole that my doctor told me it was safer to stay on them throughout my pregnancy. I am so glad you saught help & knew you couldn’t conquer this on your own!
And, I have finally come to the realization that I don’t need 500 friends that are just “there”. I think I have 3 really true friends & that’s all I really need when it comes down to it 🙂
Hang in there & stay strong!
Sorry for spilling my life story!
It’s just nice to know there are other women out there going through the same issues
Good for you for recongizing that you need help and taking the steps to get it. When I went to therapy I was chicken that I made my mom make my appointment for me. Three therapists and a few perscriptions later I finaly was able to recgonize when I needed help and when I didn’t.
I know what you mean about close friends too. I was acutally bumming a little bit about that last night because my husband has three close friends he sees or talks to daily and I just don’t anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I have some GREAT friends, but my life has been so focused on my family that I just am not nearly as close with friends as I used to be. While it makes me a little sad I’m also completely okay with it. Maybe because my parents always had friends, some for over 30 years, but none as close as we were as a family. As I start to raise children of my own I’m fine with scraficing a little fun time with friends to continue to build a strong family foundation and realtionship. Honestly in 30 years I will still be talking with a fraction of those I count as friends now, but I know I will continue to be best friends with my mom, dad, brother, husband, daughter for as long as I live.
You are defenitely not alone, and this was actually very brave of you to post, because there are people out there that are afraid to talk about it or wont get help.
I think is great that you went and got help, because voicing your feelings does help a lot.. I had very bad “post partum” depression with my first kid and talking about it helped me. Hang in there!!
and YES! I can relate to the friends comment, I have had a lot of girfriends but through out the years you realize that you dont need the “toxic” ones and then you end up with just a couple and realize that is so much better.. to be honest my BEST FRIEND is my mother.
Oh Melissa I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this! I’ve struggled with depression through my life but had never experienced what happened after having Parker. It was crazy to say because I loved him and matt so much but I actually understood why people kill themselves. The “black cloud” is exactly how it was for me. I just couldn’t shake the horrible horrible endless darkness that I felt. I should have talked to you about things more, I should have been there for you more. I admire you putting it all out there. When things were at their worst I wrote a blog post about how I was feeling and was so embarrased that I deleted it before anyone could read it. Thank you for being such a good strong example.
I do have some encouragement that it gets better. Parker was about 7 months when things started improving and he was about 11 months maybe a year when I actually felt like the clouds had parted. I don’t know if it will ever be totally ok but the trauma and pressure and whatever it is about having a baby that is so hard, will get better!!
I miss having healthy close friends. I feel so isolated in my mommy world. I have created the lots of aquaintances, no super close friends situation too. Sometimes it is so much better that way…but sometimes…not.
Sometimes I wonder if we still lived closer to each other or had worked together longer if we could have stayed close. I miss you! I’m here for you if I can do anything for you. I would love to come out there and visit some time. I don’t know if you can reach out (I couldn’t when things were really bad) but let me know when you are available and Parker and I can take a road trip. The two little P’s can hang. LOL
Anyway, just know you are not alone. From reading the other posts there are obviously a lot more people going through this than we realize.
XOXOXO