My PB + J

Breast feeding isn’t all daisies and sunshine like I had imagined.

Feeding your child is the biggest responsibility you as a parent have (well, one of them anyway). Immediately after the birth of your child once the goo has been wiped off, limbs have been checked, measured and prodded the nurses place the swaddled baby onto the chest of the mother to begin suckling. For many lucky women the baby latches right on and begins taking in the mother’s first milk. I was lucky to have experienced this, it was a great moment, I had woken up from the anesthesia and found Jim bringing the baby right over and the nurse placing her onto my right breast. She latched, she drank, and we were in business. Through our three-day stay at the hospital Payton would feed as any newborn would, however, one night she whaled and whaled and whaled. My nurse came in to take her to the nursery for her nightly check-up and brought her back thirty minutes later to tell me that my once 8 pound baby had lost 8 ounces. My initial thought was that all babies lose some weight before leaving the hospital, so what’s the big deal? The nurse then began to tell me that I wasn’t breast feeding her correctly, well, excuse me, I am a first time mommy, so how the hell am I supposed to know that I am feeding her incorrectly. We’re getting the correct amount of pee-pee and poopy diapers so how is she not getting enough food? This was the last we heard of this issue at the hospital.

On December 22nd we went to our first pediatrician appointment where Payton was measured and weighed. Her stats were: 6 pounds 14 ounces and 19 inches long. First thought, how did my baby shrink 2 1/4 inches and second, that 8 ounces sure turned into a lot more; so much for not having a problem. Dr. Martinez suggested that we begin supplementing with formula over the week of Christmas to see if we could get back to her birth weight. It took until her three-week appointment to get back up to 8 pounds 1.2 ounces. Not a big deal, she is growing, thriving and excelling already.
The hospital had given me a breast pump as rental for a month’s use. The first time I pumped I got .5 ounces and this was discouraging. At that moment I realized that this was going to be harder than I thought, but soon went to the message boards to see if this was normal. I would learn that for c-section mother’s it takes a little longer for their milk to come in, taking as much as a full month to fully come in. I would continue to pump, breast feed and supplement. Week four came around and I was so excited to see if my milk was really coming in, so I was making sure that I would breast feed, supplement and then wait two hours to pump. The first time I did this I got 2 ounces! Great news! I was so excited and kept this up for the rest of the day but the results were not as promising. The most I was able to pump for the remainder of the week was anywhere from .25 to 1 ounce. This obviously is not enough milk to provide for my growing baby and proves why she is a hysterical mess while I feed her. I have to be honest here; watching my baby get so emotionally worked-up, pulling on and off, screaming and kicking is the hardest thing I have experienced thus far. I get emotional right along with her. I question myself, my body and how I have failed yet again and just cry while I mix a bottle of formula. Why does this have to be so difficult? I’ve been tested, I get it, but not be able to provide my milk is the most crushing feeling in the world. I am not asking for sympathy, because I know I am definitely not alone on this issue. I just need to get this out because it is killing me. I have tried my hardest for four weeks, two days and have come to the conclusion that my baby will be formula fed. I trust that formula will still provide the nutrients required for healthy development and hope that she has received enough of my anti-bodies thus far to help rid off any illness during the winter months.
An update on Payton’s weight. The last time she was weighed at the pediatrician was on January 5th. Last night Jim weighed her and she weighed in at 9 pounds 12 ounces. These numbers could be slightly different than the doctor’s office but she is obviously getting enough from the formula. At some feedings she is taking in 4 to 5 ounces but mostly she takes in 2 ounces. We are currently using one can of Enfamil Premium Lipil formula a week, thank golly for target coupons and Costco!

Comments

  1. You are such a wonderful, strong momma! You are feeding your baby (no matter in what form… breast or formula) and it sounds like she’s thriving.

    Breastfeeding is hard. And sometimes you have to supplement the whole time you breastfeed, sometimes you have to completely go to formula but that does not make you more or less of a mother.

    If you need any help or need a buddy to attend lactation classes let me know! I’m here for you 🙂

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  2. I feel for you Melissa… with Isabelle she went on strike when she was 7 days old. She would not latch on, would scream and I was so depressed and frustrated. I kept trying to feed her for 5 days, which would lead to more screaming, Mommy pumping, Daddy feeding her a bottle, repeat, every three hours for 5 days. Finally on day 6 she latched on again and never looked back. I was lucky, and those 5 days were the most frustrating, depresssing, tiring days of my life. I felt like a failure, and cried over and over and over again to my Mom and close friends. Yes, breastfeeding isn’t all daisies and sunshine and is extremely difficult. Because of this, you need to give yourself and break and know that you are doing what’s best for your child and yourself. I know how it feels to beat up on yourself for the same reason, and it just doesn’t do any good.

    I hope that now that you’ve made the decision to formula feed you’ll move forward and enjoy baby P and being a Mom. I have friends who only formula fed their babies from day one, and they now have beautiful, healthy, intelligent children!!

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  4. You are the best mom Melissa! I’m so sorry breastfeeding has been such a struggle. I had a hard time at the beginning too. Did you try taking brewers yeast?? It tastes horrible but it’s natural and will give you more milk than you ever wanted. Go to your local health food store and get Twinlab Super Rich Yeast Plus, it will work I promise.
    Also, I NEVER could pump enough milk to feed him. Some women just can’t. I had to actually nurse him most of the time and pumping was just for when I had to be gone from him. So I would suggest nursing her as often as you can while you are home and just give her formula when you have to go to work. Also, when I was pumping I got the most milk when I pumped first thing in the morning on the breast he had not nursed on last. I had him nurse on one side while I pumped on the other and for some reason I got more milk that way. matt had to help me get situated a few times but it worked, I could actually get like 3 ounces in a 30 minute sitting.

    I know you dont need advice, but I’m sharing anyway because it made me feel better knowing other moms went through crappy stuff too.

    You are a wonderful mommy, don’t get discouraged. Things will get easier and you will feel less emotional in a couple months. I’m here for you! 🙂

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